New Year’s Eve and no hangover? Check.

And no, it wasn’t for lack of trying. It’s just that my ‘cheers to the old’ plans got swapped for an emergency pistachio intervention with Mom. Picture this: Mom inflating like a balloon, still cracking jokes and oozing charisma, while I’m on the phone with 911. Who knew pistachios could turn a room into a sitcom set? Post-antihistamines, Mom’s snoozing, and I’m there, sipping rosé and contemplating the annual recycling bin of cliché resolutions.

Ah, New Year – that magical season when everyone suddenly becomes a master of goal-setting. Meanwhile, I’m over here, soberly eyeing my stack of resolutions with the skepticism of a cat judging a cucumber. Time to sift through this year’s catalogue of ‘Yeah, maybe I’ll give that a go…or not.’

1. Find My Sneakers (A Marathon’s Waiting, Right?): Last year, it was all about running a marathon. This year’s goal? Unearth the sneakers first. They’re somewhere under that Everest of clothes tagged ‘sort later.’
2. Greens Over Pizza (Who Am I Kidding?): The plan: embrace the green side. The reality: the lone lettuce leaf on my burger counts, right? After all, life is about balance, and pizza is basically a salad… in a circle.
3. Save Money (After This Last Sale, Promise): “This year, I’ll save more,” I say, clicking ‘add to cart’ on those shoes I absolutely ‘need.’ I’m not spending; I’m investing in happiness.
4. New Language (TikTok, Here I Come): Maybe I’ll learn Italian. Or just perfect the universal language of TikTok dances. That’s practically a cultural exchange program, right?
5. Exotic Travels (To the Fridge and Back): Dreaming of far-off lands? Me too. That new café down the street is calling my name. Latte, the ultimate explorer’s fuel.
6. Less Screen Time (Except When Binge-Watching): Cutting down on screen time, unless Netflix decides to drop another series that demands my immediate attention. Netflix marathons are exempt from all life rules.
7. Social Butterfly (Digitally, From My Couch): Time to up my social game. Step one: Like a friend’s post. Step two: Feel accomplished. Pajama networking is the future.
8. Plant Whisperer (Fourth Time’s the Real Charm): This year, no plant dies under my watch. The third batch was just practice. The fourth batch will thrive (or at least survive).

As we roll into yet another year of high hopes and comfortable couches, let’s not forget what matters: small wins, like wearing anything but pajamas for a video call or not burning microwave popcorn.

Happy New Year to all my fellow millennials! And remember, If your grand plans fall through, there’s always next year to ignore them all over again!

If Facts and Stats Were Done by Me, Shortlotte B:

• Resolution Retention Rate: Did you know 82% of people drop their New Year’s resolutions faster than a hot potato? Makes my ‘forget it by February’ approach seem pretty standard. (Source: Resolution Reality Check)
• Sneaker Search Saga: An average millennial spends 15 minutes a month searching for misplaced items, like those elusive sneakers. That’s three hours a year I’ll never get back! (Source: Lost & Found Daily)
• The Great Green Debate: pparently, only 40% of millennials feel confident in their salad-making skills. As for the rest? Let’s just say, we’re still figuring out which leaf goes where. (Source: Salad Struggles Weekly)
• Social Media Socialites: 90% of millennials confess to ‘liking’ a friend’s post just to appear social. Virtual thumbs-ups are the new ‘hello.’ (Source: Socially Awkward, Socially Active)

So, whether you’re hunting for your sneakers, contemplating another salad, or just scrolling through Netflix, remember, you’re definitely not alone in the quirky journey of millennial life.

Catch ya on the flip side, misfits! – Shortlotte B